Not a Fairy Tale
by photo41
Summary: Natasha struggles with her new life, she didn't need rescuing, she didn't need saving. And so what if she fell in love? There's still no way in hell her life's a fairy tale. Inner monologues inspired by songs, with the theme of "Once Upon a Time".
1. I Knew You Were Trouble

**So after hearing a bunch of different of songs I had a bunch of Clint/Nat feels. I'm really surprised that I've been Writing through nat so much but hey, whatever. This story will be more or less Connected, and yes I know it's Taylor Swift, but just because she has the emotional maturity of a 16 year old, doesn't mean she can't write some decent songs**.

_Once upon time_  
_A few mistakes ago_  
_I was in your sights_  
_You got me alone_  
_You found me _  
_You bound me _

She wants to say that hindsight really is 20/20. She wants to blame it on him and her exhaustion that day. But she can't. For one thing, she was in top form, and he won fair and square. For another, one thing she's learned in her years, few as they are, is to never lie to herself. She spent too long in denial. She made a lot of mistakes that day, but registering what it meant and not being more wary was the one she regretted the most (not like it would have changed anything though). It would have saved her a lot of useless angst, ever since she stared past the arrow aimed straight at her & stared into those clear, precise blue eyes.

_I guess you didn't care_  
_And I guess I liked that _  
_And when I fell hard _  
_You took a step back _  
_Without me_

In the minutes & weeks that followed, Natasha found herself more & more confused. She was irritable, cold, distant and nasty with everyone, including him. The others treated her with the suspicion she expected, but not him. He wasn't as friendly as he is now of course, but he never once gave any impression that he thought she'd defect. She would ask him about it later, after he very nearly beats the crap out of an agent who insinuates she's a traitor. He answers with more familiarity and warmth than he'd ever given her up to that point. He doesn't care, he says, who she was. All that matters is who she is now. Now she realizes that's when it happened. When she learned how to love. After that heart to heart however, he went back to his normal wary interactions around her- by no means would she have been comfortable with that level of familiarity at the time, but she now knows why she was feeling so disappointed the next time they talked.

_And he's long gone_  
_When he's next to me _  
_And I realize the blame is on me _

She knows he is out of her reach, even when they 're fighting in synch. He knows who she is. And the thing is she should've realized what he was going to do to her.

_Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in _  
_So shame on me now _  
_Flew me to places I'd never been _  
_So you put me down oh _  
_I knew you were trouble when you walked in _  
_So shame on me now _  
_Flew me to places i'd never been _  
_Now i'm lying on the cold hard ground _

She knew what she was doing that day, she saw what he was offering and she took it. She knew exactly what she was getting into. He gave her a new life, a new identity, showed her herself inside the Black Widow, showed her how to love. And when she finally acknowledged what she felt was love, her world came crashing down. There was no way he could love her back. Not after what he saw.

_Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble _  
_Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble _  
_No apologies _  
_He'll never see you cry _  
_Pretend he doesn't know _  
_That he's the reason why _  
_You're drowning, you're drowning, you're drowning_

He knows her so well. He can read her every expression, even though she's spent her whole life hiding. She wonders if he knows. If he does, he probably knew before she did. He would never acknowledge wouldn't want to hurt her.

_And I heard you moved on _  
_From whispers on the street _  
_A new notch in your belt _  
_Is all I'll ever be _  
_And now I see, now I see, now I see _  
_He was long gone _  
_When he met me _  
_And I realize the joke is on me _

It hurts, whenever they're on seprate missions, or assigned different partners. It hurts to be around him, it hurts to be away from him. Natasha wants to pull her hair out with the absurdity. She hates the Red Room even more now. If they were going to turn her into a murderous unfeeling psychopath they could have at least done it properly. Its a joke she thinks, that she'd go her whole life scorning and repressing emotion, only to be plagued by love of all things.

_I knew you were trouble when you walked in _  
_So shame on me now _  
_Flew me to places _  
_I'd never been _  
_So you put me down oh_  
_ I knew you were trouble when you walked in _  
_So shame on me now Flew me to places I'd never been _  
_Now i'm lying on the cold hard ground _  
_Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble _  
_Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble _

_When your sadest fear comes creeping in _  
_That you never loved me or her or anyone or anything Yeah _

She doesn't think he can love, (He's too angry with the world) which is some consolation at least. She doesn't think she'd be able to see him with someone else.

_I knew you were trouble when you walked in _  
_So shame on me now _  
_Flew me to places I'd never been _  
_So you put me down oh _  
_I knew you were trouble when you walked in _  
_So shame on me now Flew me to places i'd never been _  
_Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground _  
_Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble _  
_Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble _

_She knew. When he tracked and_ cornered her after years of surveillance, when he lowered his bow and offered her freedom in her current captivity or a new life, and when he grinned as he called in for a pick up for two, oh she knew. She knew he was trouble. She just didn't know how much.

**So halfway writing this I had an idea to make this story around the theme of "once upon a time", and only use songs with that phrase in it, but that would kinda limit me.. I only thought of this 'cause the next song has that lyric in it too, and I was like 'ooo cool, almost like I'm deep or something'. haha not really. Maybe each chapter will have the phrase in it, that could work. Epic. **

**Photo41**


	2. Every Angle

**Hey, so just to clarify, this IS a multi-chapter story, although the plot won't be that much of a focus, more just Nat dealing. I've decided to go with the once upon a time thing, so now I feel clever. Enjoy!**

Nat is watching in amusement as her _adorably_ (Nat loved to tease him) 5'10 partner is getting ready to spar with a 6'6 wall of transfer agent. The agent had taken upon himself to get in Clint's way the entire time he had been on the helicarrier, and had challenged the unbeatable, terrifying Hawkeye. The reason? Probably to show off male bravado to try and fit in or something or other (it's amazing the effect public high school has on those who have been in it- they never leave). This was stupid for two reasons. 1) he wasn't 'unbeatable' she had bettered him on one or two occasions, thank you very much, and 2) there's no way the guy had a chance. Clint was fast, agile, deadly, and his strength was deceptive. If Clint could hold his own against 50 drug cartel thugs without even breaking a sweat, this guy was no problem.

_I'm imagining your frame  
__every angle  
__and every plane  
__I'm imagining your smell  
__The one that mingled with mine  
__once upon a time_

Sure enough, as soon as the fight started, the condescending gaze that the agent used to size Clint up before the match disappeared; replaced first by confusion, and then anger. Nat leaned lazily as she realized Clint was going to draw this out; he loved showing off. She admired his stances, his well built but lean and athletic muscles propelling him around the much larger man. To anyone looking at her Natasha looked disinterested as usual. But she was admiring the way Clint held himself, the way he moved. This was bad- she shouldn't be watching, else these images would distract her when she was trying to work. It made it harder too, she thought bitterly, when she was trying her very best to get over him. She decided to turn away and study her nails, but his mental image stayed. Natasha remembered her time undercover with Stark- that had been torture. Not only assigned to babysit Stark of all people, but the menial office tasks did not occupy her mind at all, so she was constantly consumed with images of Clint; how he looked, how he spoke, how he smelled. Made even worse, it was their first assignment apart for a long time, and the ache of him not being there was only intensified.

_thoughts of you_  
_are picketing my brain_  
_they refuse_  
_to work such long hours without rest_  
_in unstable conditions at best_  
_they're out there every day_  
_holding up there signs_  
_and thoughts of no other man but you_  
_could possibly get through_  
_the picket lines_  
_to enter into my mind_

One particular day, she was sorting something out- she didn't care. It was a shit ton of paperwork, and it took her all day. Not only did she have to do that, she had to write up her report for Fury as well, so her day was long and drawn out. It tired her too- it was work she didn't like. She'd rather have taken on the mob. Clint consumed her as she worked, laughing, fighting, reading, you name it. She felt ridiculous and to top it all off, some asshole tried to flirt with her when she was halfway through her fifth overtime hour. She's really surprised she didn't kill him.

_I'm imagining your laugh again_  
_the one you save for your family_  
_and your very_  
_close_  
_friends_

Natasha was jolted out of her reverie as round one finished; Clint met her eye as he pulled a towel over his neck, even though he didn't need it. He stepped out of the ring and gave her an imperceptible smirk- her heart fluttered. They acted differently when they were alone and when they were around people- they liked to give off the impression of super secret deadly assassins, they enjoyed playing up the rumours surrounding them. That smirk that only she could see was her favourite- it was a constant image in her brain when she was trying NOT to be distracted.

_I'm imagining the way you say my name_  
_I don't know when_  
_I'm going to hear it again_  
_my friends can't tell_  
_my laughter from my cries_  
_someone tell this photograph of you_  
_to let go of my eyes_

He called her, that night, when she felt like the world hated her. His voice over the phone as he gave her the classified details he shouldn't, the slight chuckle when she exasperatedly said Stark's name and expletives in the same sentence. He would tell her to calm down, in Russian, and that Stark wasn't worth getting worked up over. He'd then tell her he misses her and her heart would shatter all over again. She was good at hiding though, so the next day when Pepper remarks she's looking well, Nat flashes a million dollar grin, when internally, she's replaying his voice speaking to her in her native tongue over and over. She had 1 picture of them together- it was at one of those stupid carnival things, but it was safe, since film can't be hacked. He'd dragged her to it of course, and he was grinning. It hurt to look at it, but Nat was nothing if not a little masochistic.

_I'm imagining your frame_  
_I'm imagining your smell_  
_I'm imagining your laugh again_  
_and the way you say my name_

__She sat the entire day at her desk, doing nothing, and let her self go to one her favourite memories; him calling her into the hotel living room to watch their favourite movie after he had managed to con HQ into a later extraction. They leaned together and it was perfect; she felt him, she smelt him and heard him as he opened up to her like he did with no one else.

Nat looked up as Clint won the sparring match, looking like he just walked around the park, rather than engage in a sparring match with a wall. Nat rolled her eyes at him as he glanced up at her, and wished she wasn't so far gone.

**Ooohhh I might have a stomach ache now from that. It just came out. And yes, the spelling is Canadian, and No, I'm not sorry. **

**Photo41**


	3. We've Got a Good Thing Going On

**Oh look! A wild random canon character that I really know nothing about appears! This time we've got the Stones baby. Enjoy!**

Natasha is just as surprised as anyone else when the Winter Solider popped out of nowhere. She honestly thought he was dead. They hadn't seen in each other in a long time; the last mission in which they were paired off was two years before Clint. Rogers was happy to see his best friend again, and other than that she kinda glad she wasn't the being suspected of being a traitor, she wasn't to bothered by his reappearance. Agent-, Bucky, she reminds herself, was just another agent, another tool, another liaison. At the most, he was a threat to her superiority, and she always was wary of him as a threat. Now, however Bucky hangs around her like a bad smell. It's not like she dislikes him more than everyone else besides Clint, but she's stopped caring about the old country, and so should he. Fury thinks he needs a babysitter though, when Roger's is being well, Rogers, and she gets stuck with him as he recovers from his amnesia.

_No matter how she wants me_  
_I'm not going nowhere_  
_I'm gonna stick right here, babe_  
_You know how much I care_  
_So don't worry 'bout me baby_  
_Cause I'm right here at home_

It seems that Fury has other plans up his sleeve, as she's told to participate in Bucky's skills assessment with him- like Fury's going to make them work together or something. Nat doesn't like it. She already has a partner. She complains to Clint as much, and he nearly chokes. She doesn't think Fury'll them up, does she? She laughs and asks him if he's trying to get rid pf her. He's stuck with her, she says. No one else can save his sorry ass like her.

_Oh baby, oh baby, we got a good thing goin_  
_You may talk all about me_  
_And scandalize my name_  
_But deep down inside me_  
_I know I'm the only man_  
_So don't worry 'bout me baby_  
_Cause I'm right here at home_

It would seem Clint's suspicions were founded, however, when Fury sends out Bucky on his first mission and sends Nat with him. Nat insists to Clint later that it was just supervision, but Clint's obstinate. She used to work with him, he says. They have practically the same training. They fit together better. She doesn't know what he's talking about. It was one mission. He says he wouldn't blame her if she wanted to be back with him; she interrupts. They were never officially partners then, and they won't be now. How could he think that?

_Oh baby, oh baby, we got a good thing goin_  
_So maybe I knew her_  
_Once upon a time_  
_But that's all in the past babe_  
_Baby let me know you're mine, all mine, all mine_  
_No matter how she wants me_  
_I'm not going nowhere_  
_I'm gonna stick right here, babe_  
_I know how much you care_  
_So don't worry 'bout me baby_  
_'Cause I'm right here at home_

It turns out Bucky's the source of Clint's odd behaviour. He recounted his story to Rogers AND Stark, so of course, everyone knew. He grossly exaggerates how they were Russia's premiere team; how nothing stood in their way, how they conquered together. How, he hopes, that they could work together again. He confronts her, says he's happy to see her, says he's glad she's adjusted so well; insinuates that they'd heal better together. She tells him that she's not the same person anymore, and they aren't hurt in the same way. How can she say that her biggest wound isn't the one the Red Room gave her? She tells Clint to stop being such a drama queen. Maybe they worked together once, but there's now way she'd ever want to be partners with anyone else- she says even back then Bucky annoyed the hell out of her. More than him, he asks, yes more than him, she answers. It's a bittersweet feeling, knowing how much he values their partnership. she wishes he'd value it more.

_Oh baby, oh baby, we got a good thing goin_  
_Got a good thing goin' babe_  
_We got a good thing goin_  
_That's what I said_  
_We got a good thing goin_  
_Got a good one for ourselves_  
_Got a thing goin' for ourselves_  
_We got a pretty good thing goin_

They're the most successful team in SHEILD. He brought her back into the world, she gave him someone to care for again. They were two sides of a coin, stuck together. Their partnership was the best, there was no sane reason to end it. But how could she explain there was no way she COULD end it, with out ending the entire being of her new self?

**Ahhh love triangles. I hope you liked it! oh! and if anyone can think of a better description, please send it. **

**Photo41**


	4. Total Eclipse of the Heart

**Hey y'all! Here's my next one, it's the immortal total eclipse of the heart, and I'm only putting in one verse because I know there's only so much of this song one can take. **

**Unless it's sung by One Direction. Then there's not enough. **

**Don't judge me. **

_(Turn around)_

_Every now and then I get a little lonely and you're never coming round_

_Every now then I get a little tired of listening to the sound of my tears_

Clint embraced the Avengers thing with full force. Being out the open, saving people, avoiding shadows; he was performing again. Black Widow wasn't ready for the light yet, so she saw less and less of him. And it hurt.

_Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by_

_Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes_

_Every now and then I fall apart_

Life after New York really put things in perspective for Natalie. Was spying all she'd ever do? It was a different kind of fighting than she'd ever been used too. Clint's solider remark really hit home. She was at war with herself. She'd come close to death before, but not like this. She'd been ready for it. Accepted it. Death meant nothing, 'cause she was nothing; she was replaceable. New York however, she couldn't fail 'cause that would mean the end of the world. For once in her life, she had something to live for, and that terrified her.

_And I need you now tonight_

_And I need you more than ever_

_And you'll only hold me tight _

_We'll be holding on forever_

_And we'll only be making it right_

_'cause we'll never be wrong together_

She needed him. To tell her what to do. She wasn't a hero. She was a murderer, liar, thief. She couldn't be what Clint wanted her to be. They were partners, the best. Why couldn't they just stay like that?

_Together we can take it to the end of the light_

_Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time_

_I don't know what to do I'm always in the dark_

_I'm living in a powder keg and giving off sparks_

He followed her everywhere though. The thought of him anyway. Nagging at her. She'd be the best avenger, he'd said. Life doesn't have to be all cloak and daggers. We're not doing things on the whim of some corrupt council.

_I really need you tonight_

_For love is going to start tonight_

_Once Upon a time I was falling in love_

_Now I'm only falling apart_

She was really mad at him, of course. He knew what she was. He expected her to change. What about her ledger? The others would hate her if they knew. She was torn between hating him for being stupid and loving him for it. Where would they be if he started 'avenging full time', as she put it. He can't do both.

_There's nothing I can do _

_Total eclipse of the heart_

_Once upon a time there was light in my life_

_Now there's only love in the dark_

_Nothing I can say total eclipse of the heart_

_ (Turn around Bright eyes)_

It was better, she thought, when she could just love him when they were close, rather than when they were fighting.

**OMW ALL YOU PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT MY MUSIC TASTE IS SWIFTY AND 1D. I LISTEN TO ACTUAL QUALITY MUSIC TOO I SWEAR. THE BEATLES ARE MY FAVOURITE AND NO THAT'S NOT JUST A COP OUT BECAUSE I LOVE QUEEN, THE WHO, ELO, THE KILLERS TOO. DON'T HATE ME**

**Photo41**


End file.
